Beneath the Rose

What I have seen much lately, is people that go into opposition when they hear about an "equal money system". It is like the words : equal and money trigger reactions of resistance within them.
Instead of working on ways to make this work, people complain and bitch on how that will never work, and bring up excuses such as: thats communist bullshit.
While what we are actually doing is finding ways to make this work, spreading out over the internet to get as much people involved as possible - people that care about more then just themselves and their ego. We have to work together to bring forth a change.

We have allowed ourselves throughout the ages, to abdicate responsability, and always wait and hope for others to do it for us. We still like to blame our leaders for why this world is the way it is. But the fact is : we allow them to be there and run things for us. While we could actually change things by working together and manifesting change without waiting for another. Every day we sit and do nothing, is a day wasted. Every day we sink into depression is a day we do not stand up for life, for ourselves, for those who are suffering and are outcasted from the system.

It is clear by now that our governments do not do what is best for all . They care more to keep the people under controle and their monopoly, then to work on true effective methods to bring equality here and have no one suffering because of being born in poverty.

Today, millions are born in a place where there is extreme poverty and abuse. A girl who has been in child prostitution gives birth to a baby girl, and that baby girl is destined to be either thrown away as garbage, or to be raised in the same system of abuse as her mommy.

Charity didnt work, charity doesnt work. You may feed some mouths and make them temporary feel better, but the root of the problem remains and intensifies over the years. There are now 10 times more sex slaves then 400 years ago when having slaves was legal.
To change and stop this, we have to change the system and work together. Placing yourself in the position of the abused is not going to help, giving money is not going to help, going there isnt going to help, what we need to do is change the entire construct.
As long as money is used in these abusive ways, where some have to commit crimes to live their lives, these things will exist.

Stop the thoughts in your mind that go: well no we cant do anything about it, it has always been like this, we are powerless, we are not strong enough , most people dont care etc...
Stop them, they are programmed within you.
Direct yourself to bring forth this change, and to not allow yourself to be less then who you are as LIFE.

Please join us here to work on the solution: http://equal-money-for-all.ning.com/

I am writing about feeling I dont deserve something, based on something I typed earlier. Maybe I should have used different words because I cant immediatly connect it to anything, or any memory.
I wrote it in regards with what someone said to me, that I should unconditionally forgive myself. This is what I replied: "thank you. I know I keep judging myself and by that think everyone must be judging me the way I judge myself. I havent unconditionally forgiven myself, and think "I dont deserve it". wtf. its bs, deserving or not deserving, its like within religion. moral standards"

Ok let me make it more clear to myself now, I am experiencing brain block . XD
At times I think I cannot change because same reactions come up, and the same thoughts and memories of people that were "mean" to me. I say mean because of my emotional experience towards them = sadness/hurt. Because I believed to need the others approval, need anothers support and assistance, need another to be "positive" towards me and completely understand me so they wont reject me. All based on fear and desire, where I lack self trust, and place this on others. Varifying myself according to the way they reply to me. this isnt always so and my rational mind would also discard it, but it IS what I experience if I look at my feelings. I dont want to experience it because I know its a bunch of bs and limitation, but it is, so I have to deal with it and not block it out with reasoning, because it will return.
So then I feel that I dont deserve full forgiveness because there are still things I am not perfect in = desire to be a specific way / be perfect, think I only deserve true forgiveness if I am perfect. = desire to GET somewhere and be something different, ego that sais = you are perfect if you do everything "right". Where I cause no abuse at all.
But as long as I am in this existence with everyone else, and we are still the way we are, or some are = we create abuse. Even with walking we trample insects.
And then I expect myself to fall, expect myself to fuck it up or do/say something dishonest.
But there is no reason to not forgive yourself, just because you sometimes make mistakes. I mean thats how we learn (if we are self honest, else not). self forgiveness, unconditionally, means to stop abuse, it is the STOP. Creating a blank page for me (us) to write on. it is giving ourselves the opportunity to be self honest, even when we fuck up, its unconditional as long as your self honest within doing so. If your doing it to make you feel better = dishonest, and wont work anyway.

Dont have anything more to write about this right now, maybe more will come later

So everything went very well today. I was nervous, woke up a lot of times during the night because of it. Pretty annoying but I did what I can to stop and breath through it.
So then in the morning I got ready and took my foldable bike to take on the bus. Its this little bike you can fold up small so you can take it in your arms. Its still kinda heavy, like 12 kg. I noticed it drove pretty slow. i arrived at the bus station and the anxiety was a bit more. When I got on the bus, the whole bicycle unfolded LOl, I had to stop a while to make sure not to fall because the bus was taking off and making a turn. I didnt feel embarassed or anything, which I sometimes did in the past when things like that happened. I took a seat near the door so I could get off easily if there would come more an dmore people on the bus later (which I knew because I have taken that bus many times before when I was in art school, sometimes everyone is like stuffed on each other :P)
Ok so I rang the bell to let me off at the closest busstop and then went with my bicycle to the school. I had the urge to pee, I always have that when I am nervous. It often gets to a point where I almost piss my pants.
So I had to stop a while when I was locking the bicycle, had to stay seated but after some seconds got up and went inside and a lot of the nervs were gone, and I went to the toilet. Some girls were there (who later I found out are in the same class as me). I only pushed the doors and thought they were locked because there was a red marking. So we stood there and then one of the girls pulled and it opened lol :P And we laughed about it. I thought they might think im stupid or something :P:P

Then I went to stand infront of the classroom but we had to go to a big area first to get a speech from the principal. I went to a table where a girl was sitting and asked if I could sit next to her. She said yes, she was also a little nervous I could tell. We spoke a few words but not much. She was doing horse riding training which I found cool:) Its a 2 year program, mine is just 1 year.

Ok then we went to the class and everything was kinda the opposit of what I expected it to be (fuck expectations :P). Thats always whats happens, things always turn out the opposit of what I think, and mostly I think the worst case so it turns out good. But I stop the thoughts when they come up, but they still come up thou, so I re-stop them. Our classroom was small, we are only with like 10 students which is cool:) 3 boys and 7 girls. the tables are placed in a long shaped circle with pc's on every desk. I went to sit in between an older woman and a girl who I found looked shy but she wasnt at all. I remember a few names: Tim, Stan, brecht, lynn, alexandra, annemiek, laura and sarah, 1 name I forgot.
At lunch we all sat together, I got a bit self conscious eating, i was the only one that took and made her food herself, like I had 3 boxes lol :P I thought they might be looking at me or thinking I eat weird. Its because my brother during his entire life had been irritated by eating people, and commenting on when people eat , also on me, on everyone. So now this is kinda intergrated within me, and then i think others must think it to, but I also know its bs and doesnt matter. But I still feel not totally comfortable eating with everyone.
I often think people think negative about me, I always think that. I am very harsh to myself and judge myself way to much, but I am working on it.

The teachers were cool, the last one we can eat in the class and do what we want. Its a photoshop class which I like a lot :)
The girl next to me was 25 , I thought she was younger, she is from oezbekistan but moved here 10 years ago with her parents. She got married at age 20. The woman of about 50 has 5 children, I also think she is religious because she mentioned designing something for "their" church.

So really there was ofcourse nothing to fear and I find it rediculous I keep getting nervousness.

The most prominent point within me is judging myself. That is also on the base of my nervousness.

On the way back I ride to the busstations lol but that bike, I mean its not very strong and its slow and some pin broke off. I was struggling with it and suddenly heard a voice at the busstop and it was my nephew with his car woohooo :P So he gave me a ride home.

wednesday I am just going to take my big bicycle and ride there from home, its about 45 mins so thats ok :)

I have had social anxiety for a very long time, just being nervous when I am going to meet people I dont know or dont see a lot, situations I am not used to, new things ... stuff like that.

It stems from fear of negative reactions towards me, being embarassed. I know why I have it and why it is abusive to allow it, where it stems from.

The reason why I write about this is because tomorrow I start "school" again, its not a real school , but more a replacement for it, 3 days a week I have to go. And I am nervous, an annoying feeling in my stomach I dislike a lot.
At some point in this day I wasnt and didnt care, I said to myself it are all just people like you Ann, nothing to fear. But everytime the fear comes back. I breath through it, and I dont let it stop me, but still its there, always returning .
I make sure I have all the stuff I need, that I know where to go, which classroom to go to, make sure I am early, have everything ready in the morning to make it go as smoothly as possible. Whenever I have thoughts about it comming up I stop and breath. But the nervousness is persistant.

Cmon lets face it whats the worst that can happen regards this fear?

I am late, sweating from having to bike hard, everyone is already in the class and I have to enter and tell infront of everyone that I am late because of this or that reason. = I would be afraid because all eyes are on me, I would feel watched and judged, and actually thinking and assuming othersa re judging me the way that I judge myself = in a bad way.
or
I would come in school and everyone would be there and in the class we would have to introduce ourselves infront of everyone.
Lol fear of speaking infront of groups. I have done social work for 2 years... yes very strange for someone with social fear, but I often am good at hiding it. We had to do a lot of excercises, speak with people we dont know, give lectures infront of groups, visit outscool meetings, play games with someone from the class we hadnt spoken to etc..
it was cool transcending fears but the fears have never really been transcended because they keep comming back every fucking time.

So I want to say this to myself, Ann: there is nothing to fear! you are just fearing your own feelings and reactions. you are fearing your fear. You are scared of being judged because it would make you feel bad because you allow people to tell you who you are.Stop that. Who cares what they think about you, stay self honest and know yourself and direct yourself, and if others do not like that its their problem , they have to face themselves. You do not need to meet friends, you do not need to belong, you do not need to fit in, you do not need to give a certain impression of yourself. If you have to speak infront of them, then just do it, people in the world have a lot of judgement about others but often are more concerned about their own fears in those moments.
its like with lectures in the class, everyone was kinda scared of it lol, and you always think: oh fuck its almost my turn, oh damn oh damn
haha

I will write tomorrow about my experience in school.
Its like the 4th time I go to a new school where I know nobody so its not really a new situation in that way, but it feels the same.

I start graphical design 14 september, 3 days a week, and in the meanwhile I go to work sometimes in a shop in town. Well, most likely, because they will call me when they need me but if they dont need me then they wont call me. So I am going to look for another student job also. Partly because I want to use money to bring forth more change in this world, and I want to pay for the Structural allignment training program of desteni which Im looking forward to. I am a bit doubting it will work because of my previous attempts with kinesiology. I am not very patient so when it did not work for me, I soon quit and started doing something else. My mind gets bored very easily. Thats one of the points I have to be attentive to, to not stop things because I get bored. Short attention span.
So I have to push myself, and enjoy things as I direct myself, which often is so. if I direct myself I just enjoy it as my self direction.
Allowing boredom to move you is pretty stupid, because emotions will controle you forever.

Today I got the school papers in the mailbox. I felt a slight tingling nervousness for next monday when it starts. I have this with new experiences, people I dont know very well etc... nervousness, feeling anxious or scared. It are re-occuring emotions which link to fear of unknown, failure, judgement, hurt etc... Ive gone through that multiple times and I am not going to re-write it over again. At a piont you just gotta walk through it.
I dont like the feeling of anxiety at all, its so annoying and it makes me want to pee constantly lol

Also what I experience is that I am never doing good enough. Like there is a being "higher" then me judging me and saying that I aint good enough and have to do more and will be punished. Its not so literal but its the same in a way. Because I sit here in a position of wealth, I got a lot of food, a warm bed, warm water, clean drinking water, a pc, tv, a room , a garden , a bicycle, docters ... the system takes care of me and all other elite persons in this world.
But there are children starving right now, there are animals being tortured. I find this so fucked up I cant even tell you. I feel like a shit that I live like this while they have to endure so many pain. And I cant seem to stop it , I want to stop it right now right away! its frustrating that it takes time. That it takes time for everyone to realise wtf they are doing, or a new system to be in place.
I would gladly agree on a system of controle which does whats best for all, even if this means that it has to controle things and beings which are not best for all. I care more for life then the opinions of those who want to do it "their way", and abuse. Rather that then having a planet of so called "free will" where everyone is allowed to abuse, and where the best of all is not even considered.
people are starving to death... go to your fridge open it and see: people are starving to death
go to the supermarket, stand infront of the iles packed with food and think: people are starving to death
At a point you must wake up and realise: fuck... people are starving to death!

We must work together to stop this abusive reality we have created through our minds. I have to consider it takes time and it takes effort and dedication.
the way I am going is not effective enough, there must be more I can do somehow... anyway I will look into it

Yesterday morning I had to be at the hospital at 9.30, but it took until about 11 - 11.30 when they told me I could put on my hospital robe for surgery. After that they drove me off to a big room where other people were recovering and waiting to get surgery. Mom was with me at first but when they moved me she went to eat something.
It was pretty cold there and I felt abit nervous. i just breathed, nervousness was still there. The nurse came and rolled me further into a hallway, and then into a small room. She had to put an infuse into me, you know, that bag of fluid which drips in your arteries the whole time. But she had to prick a few times and couldnt find my arteries. So she called the anesthisiologist and he tried, after some time it finally worked lol. As a joke he said "did you leave your arteries at home?:P".
She also put some sticky things on my chest to read my hearthbeat. Then I was left for 10 minutes and then rolled into another hall and then into the operation room. I had to place myself on a metal table covered with some towels and sheets or blankets. I thought my hearthbeat would have rised from being nervous, but it was still 51 - 58, it varied. And my blood pressure was 10/70. Also it was very cold there, even colder then in the other areas, so I was shivering.
I felt nervous because of being in a situation im not used to and where there could be physical pain. I also heared someone coughing like he was vomitting or something.
Anyway, they hold an oxigen mask infront of me and docter put another liquid thing on the artery machine, which I thought was the medicine to put me asleep. It was, because it started to hurt abit and I started to spin around, well, my vision. It didnt feel bad or anything. It took a while, the nurse said: see you later!
At first I didnt knew if she was talking to me so I looked at her and she said: you can close your eyes. I did, I thought it might take a while before I was asleep, but in less then 3 seconds I was sleeping.
next moment I woke up and felt as if I had to swallow the whole time. I heard: its not over yet. Or something but maybe it wasnt at me. I was not dissorientated at all, and then nurse said she was going to pull out the tube in my throat. i didnt even know they would stick a tube through my nose in my throat lol! I always feared that before, but now I experienced there is nothing to fear about it, it doesnt feel bad . So she pulled it out and I was kept on a machine in the recovery room with a bunch of other, mostly elder, people. The man next to me was pretty dissorientated and he always wanted to get up and stuff LOL. I felt very well when I woke up, immediatly "myself", as I feel when I get up in the morning. I was tired thou, my right eye felt more tired then the other. They stick it with some kind of gell when they are performing surgery. They asked me if everything was alright and I said yes. I looked at the bloodpressure and it was about 13.8/90 .
I became abit more awake, and looked at the clock and it was 1.45 and I could go back to my room. The nurses who were driving my bed showed me an injection needle thing with white stuff in it and abit blood. i was like: "whats that?" LOL, it looked like liposuction fat at first hahahaahah. And then they said; that are your teeth!
I said: oooh, they are big!

Then at my room mom was waiting for me and I felt hungry and thirsty. And my mom put her arm on my arm and said: hey, but she saw I was fine and not high or something like sometimes happens when they put you asleep. It was nice to have someone in the room waiting for me to come back. I then told her about everything i experienced. I immediatly had to pee also, and I went to the bathroom and saw I had my mesntruation LOL. It was already abit in my underpants so I must have gotten it during surgery. Normally it is late, and now its 1 week early. So the nurse brought me menstruation pads.
Then after 1.30 hour I could go home :) I had to drink first to see if I would get sick or feel naussea but I hadnt felt sick at all.

Also before the surgery while lying in the room with other people, some making strange noises, I realised how horrible it must be in a war-zone, or in the concentration camps where they did medical tests on twins for example, without being put to sleep. Its hard to grasp how we can do such things to each other. And I realised in such situation I would be very fearfull, for the pain they would be able to inflict on me. But I decided not to think about that, and tried just to breath and be in the moment.

Sooooooo havent had much pain, just this night I woke up my jaw felt stiff, also jaws are abit swollen and i taste blood alot, because its bleeding abit. I dont like the taste of blood:p So I took a pill and then I could sleep better and didnt wake up as many as before. Also have to put ice pack on my face 15 mins every hour.

Ok thats it, that was my adventure for the first time in the hospital for surgery! lol. And now I have to eat liquid pourdige stuff for 3 days yaaaay XD

I wanted to do things, and someone to do things with, rather then always alone. I always do everything alone except sometimes with mom like when we have to go to the shop for food or to grandma.
But otherwise, its me, sometimes also frodo when he wants.
Today I heared my brother talk to his friend and I asked him what he was going to do today because I would like to go with them. Abit annoyed he replied: nothing, doesnt matter.
I asked again and he refused to answer.
And then he said: your hyperactive , why do you always want to do something.
its because I have asked him on other days to, but he never wants to do anything. So thats why he called me hyperactive lol.

Anyway he just went inside then. And then I felt tears well up in my eyes, because I am always alone and in that moment it felt painfull.
Frodo was there and I asked myself; why is frodo not enough now? Why would you need anyone to do something.

It showed to me that I depend my experience on others, or wait to do things on others, and being afraid to do things alone. Like walking in the field, afraid of the possability of being attacked when I am alone, or just wanting someone to talk to, basing enjoyment on an external experience.

If I allow this to influence me, that means I could experience it over and over, dependant on where I am and who I am from.
Most of the time I am fine being alone, really I enjoy it alot. But now at this time I didnt .

Also I felt rejected and unwanted, not good enough. When my brother replied to me like that. he didnt want me to go with them.

I forgive myself that I base my experience on the way others reply to me
and that they are able to influence my feelings by my own allowance.
that I base the way I feel on the way others respond to me, and feel bad about myself sometimes when they reply in anger or frustration towards me.
In those moments I feel like I did in my past when I was rejected, wasnt good enough. Started with upbringings ofcourse.

Time to let go,
because no matter what anyone did in the past, it was all systematic respondses based on their own programming. When someone rejected me for not being good enough for example.
So its obvious why I experience it, also to the memories of my childhood. I see the reaction is programmed in those ways within me.
Which in those moments I just have to stop, and realise: what another does has nothing to do with me, it doesnt matter if I am alone or with others, its to stand stable and not to be moved by other reactions or circumstances.
Else I can be fucked with over and over. And thats exactly how emotional turmoil is kept alive.

Trigger:
-rejecting words or looks from others

Connection:
-memories of father acting like I am not good enuogh in childhood
-memories of being rejected by friends
-the feelings connected within those memories: sadness, self-dislike
-Fear or doing things alone because of potential danger or feelings of uncertainty

Lead to:
-re-experiencing the same emotions as what are in the memories, thus living within the past.
-basing my experience of myself on the reply from others
-wanting to belong to something, or share experiences, wanting validation

How to stop?
Just stop it in the moments where it happens . Breath, dont follow the thoughts.