Beneath the Rose

This night I woke up at 2:13 am and I heared weird sounds and looked outside and I saw lightning and a branch flying passed the street and veyr heavy wind and rain. i got scared right away. Little storms dont scare me, but big ones do, because of the harm they might do to me. I went to my mom and we went to sit downstairs and plugged out all electrical devices. I was afraid of a tornado or something, it was something I had never seen before, there was lightning and dark clouds but no thunder, CONSTANT lightning, it didnt stop, it was like a flashing light. My mom also never saw anything like it.
I was afraid of a possibility of lying under a collapsed house, or being torn of a limb or something in a huge storm, being sucked up by a tornado. My body started to tremble, i was shacking while we sat in the sofa in the dark and I tried just to breath, so I did, and mom came sit next to me and also frodo lol, frodo was comforting me, he kept laying his head on my arm and body , pushing himself against me. I spoke to mom about my fear and why I have it = fear of pain and suffering. I dont fear death in itself, I was thinking: if I would have a gun now and knew a tornado was going to rip me apart I would already shoot myself. LOl abit insane ok
I knew how the people must feel in this world who have storms like that, when their house gets blown away or collapses, or they get myd streams or floods.
When I talked about my fear of pain I realised that it is rediculous to fear what is not here, and that it just makes me suffer. When I talked about that, my body stopped shacking and I felt calmer. I was panicking thou, just shacking and being scared. i could still think straight and stuff lol.
The lightning kept going, like wtf was that. I went to sleep in moms room but then went to my own room because my bed is more comfortable then their waterbed.
And once again it showed how nature can overpower all of is, with its brutal force.

In the morning I put on the radio to hear about the storm and how other people had experienced it. At some regions in our country, blocks of ice fell down of 10 cm, smashing cars and roofs, the people were also afraid and said it sounded like bombs going off. Well, then you know how it feels in a war-zone. Fuck every day bombs go off in this world blowing up all kinds of beings.
Then the weather man said where the storm came in, and that it was a "supercel". Clouds that had a thickness of 15 km upwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a heavy storm because it might physicly hurt me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a tornado and think a tornado might come when its storming, and in that increasing my fear and imagining that a tornado might sweep me up in the sky or rip bodyparts of or make things collapse on top of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overpowered by nature and let myself made afraid by those thoughts
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be scared that I will suffer from pain
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to image I might have pain when something I image would happen
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use imagination to predict the possible outcomes, so that I can adjust to the situation the best i can
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by a survival instinct of "flight", where I feel the need to flee away from whatever dangerous situation I am in.

I have this with all kidns of things I fear:
- lectures
- meeting strangers
- sollicitation intervieuws
- possible attack by predator
- agressors
- airplanes (fear of crashing = pain)

etc...

My first reaction is that of fleeing away to safety
Althou I dont do it always,it depends. Like lectures, meeting strangers, intervieuws etc... I do them even thou I am afraid. I dont want fear to hold me back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to flee when I feel helpless
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless in some situations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when there are forces or beings that dont consider me and can just attack me without any problem, without me being able to stop them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that helplessness, instead of just doing what I can and be stable, even if those beings attack me

I intensly observe myself when I am around other people. I still notice the thoughts comming up, the fears. Today I went to "het ster" with my mom, a place where there is a big lake and forest and eating establishments and a beach and stuff... it was sunny and so me and mom decided to go somewhere, we dont do this often.
I noticed that when i think, I dont feel good, its like this very boring feeling. Lol. Also other people looked at me, and I then feel self-conscious, like I dont want to look back at them for to long because it feels uncomfortable.
Why?
Because then they might think I want something from them, or find them attractive, or stuff like that. But also that i want to look at them, just because I normally wouldnt. Its polarity both. Its still thinking about "whats the right thing to do", thinking thinking thinking. I feel "watched" when people pass me, its because I feel me, as them. Actually we all feel each other. When people pass me, they are also thinking stuff.
When I look at people, I look at them for a second and turn my eyes away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when i look people to long in the eyes because they might think I am attracted to them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people thinking I am attracted to them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what others are thinking about me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what other think about me because of a survival mechanism, to be able to predict and outcome - as we do within this life, by fearing and thinking about what might happen so we can defend ouselves
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able to defend myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to decide how long I have to look people in the eyes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people smiling at me when I look at the to long, because I dont want to fake smile
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fake smile to have others like me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I need to feel something in order to smile
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people might talk to me when I look at them to long
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to people because I might be dishonest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own dishonesty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been dishonest when speaking to people because of fear of ridicule or rejection
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel self conscious when I am amongst people, because I feel them looking at me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about people looking at me - because its like I feel their judgement
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgmeent of the people looking at me - instead of realising that those judgements are of programs, and stopping the fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people judging the hair under my arms
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want people to judge armpit hair as disgusting - because it would make me feel discomfortable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel discomfortable when others judge parts of my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the hair on my body

Asked myself to draw a card to support myself in something to work on

I drew= King of Cups

What it sais: He often represents a good, kind friend or advisor. He symbolises someone who likes to help, but geneally feels uncomfortable with deep emotions. The cup represents feeling, a feminine element, and for the king of cups who represents male energy, it can be quit uncomfortable. The queen of cups feels at home with the element of water, while the king of cups is less comfortable with it. He rather talks about feelings or listens to other people sharing their feelings, then be in contact with ones own feelings. This card is often associated with people who are working in churches or help-services. They give advice on spiritual and emotional businesses without having to fear personal involvement.

Interpretation from myself:

What I recognize in this card is that often I have supressed my feelings, or wanted to discard them as "fake", althou I was feeling them. i wanted to be stronger,and in that way "removing" the feelings - yet I did not remove them because they kept arising back time after time, and still controlled my expression. Also what i recognize is that it often has been easier for me to talk about feelings to others and assist them with it, then deal with my own deep emotions. i saw them as "bad", stupid, not needed etc... Instead of facing them, I denied them as if they were seperate from me.

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my feelings
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from intense joy
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from anger
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from frustration
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from sadness
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from enjoyment
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from fear
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my ego
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have denied my feelings and emotions because I judged them negativly as bad/wrong/stupid
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as bad/wrong/stupid, and thus living in spite towards myself
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my feelings, because I thought there would be no other way to stop them
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at my feelings, but ignore them until they go away, because I saw them as stronger then me
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my feelings and emotions because within wanting to ignore them = I actually didnt because they controlled my expression, for example:being quiet, removing myself to be alone, not talking because of waiting for the feelings to go away
i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to directly face my feelings and emotions, to be able to effectivly support myself
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself from others
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my feelings because of fear of dissaproval from others
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others dissaproval when they see my feelings because of the memories about my fathers dissaproval when I laughed very loud, or acted "crazy"
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect my fathers angry voice and face towards laughter and "crazy" behaviour - and thus have made a prison within myself where I contain myself
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by the years, lock my expression more and more up within myself
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not talk to the other people who I am experiencing feelings towards, because of fear of rejection and fear of myself
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell an item to a person, but another person payed more for it later, and thus I send it to the highest bidder instead of to the first person who bought it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when the first person sends me an email about her dissaproval and discontent about me not living up to our agreement
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to just send the item to the firs person who bought it, without thinking about money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider the "profit" when I would send to the higher bidder, after the deal was already closed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about people being dissapointed with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear that that person might prosecude me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear prosecution because the police could come and judge and punish me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being punished
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear punishment because it is programmed from my childhood - when facing the anger and punishment of parents or teachers
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear punishment because I fear the feelings or reactions I could have during that punishment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what others might think when I am getting punished
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value others opinions
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realise that others opinions are there because it has been programmed within them, and they live out their programs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear BAD opinions, and negative opinions, because of the feelings I might get when hearing them - based on the feelings I have had in my past ==> thus living within memories/the past as ingrained within me through years of living like that
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realise people with bad opinions/judgement, have them because of their own acceptances and allowances as robot mind systems within this world -- where they do not direct themselves equal and one and whats best for all as life. And thus when they react to me, it is just a system that is reacting, and I do not have to take it personally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgements sometimes personally

If they would direct themselves as life, equal and one, they would communicate open about this instead of going into judgement/opinion, to really assist and support the other person, and making things clear. But now this whole society is based on punishing what doesnt "fit" or is seen as not good or whatever... without actual communication in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty because the other person feels bad now
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for putting money first
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realise that the person who bought the item first and got angry, gets angry because of the expectation and desire of having the item and using it
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realise that selling-buying agreements are just made up human laws

ha feelings defused :D The tightness in my chest is releaved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about breaking the rules
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear breaking the rules
because I might get punished
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others dissagreement and dissaproval as a punishment, because it invokes feelings within me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to sell to the first buyer because that the right thing to do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in "the right thing to do"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because I think I am a bad person because of what I did
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a bad person, because I did not respect the rules of buying-selling
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad because the other person saw it as "breaking a promise"
I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to realise that when people make promises to each other, it is because they want to be sure their desires will be fulfilled, and thus they want to be able to trust in that, to not be dissapointed.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need others which I know will never leave me such as my mother or brother - because I can express myself with them because I know they will not leave me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear expressing myself with beings that I fear because they might exclude / laugh/ redicule me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need the acceptance of others to express myself , and consider their judgements and the judgments they might have towards me , before I speak- and in that often limit myself in my speaking or not speak at all
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to like the experience of myself around my brother or mom, because I am not afraid then
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid with people that I "dont know very well" - because I want to be able to protect myself and in this compromise myself - because i wont speak unconditionally, and adjust my words to the beings I am speaking with, so they will accept it and not treat me badly
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to communicate with others in self-intrest of perserving my own feelings - within the fear of experiencing the feelings I dont like such as sadness/fear- but in this already create those feelings of fear because that feeling is the feeling which I follow in the first place.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I need the approval of others in order to live - while actually it is: in order to live COMFORTABLy, which is self-intrest, where I will plan my life around my own comfort while I would support the mind
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want others to like me because it reminds me of my past and the fun times I had - and by this remaining in the past and carrying it along with me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need my mom in order to feel more safe and comfortable
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need my mom because I know she will always be there for me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want another being to feel totally comfortable with and share things with - because it makes me feel good and then I enjoy the experience of myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to avoid the bad feelings within me, the feelings that make me feel bad, and in that make the choices which limit me
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to take all challenges because it feels hard and I am afraid of fucking up - because of the idea that fucking up is bad, judged by others, and again that they would react negativly to me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live in a personallity of a "nice" person
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to rather go to things with someone else then alone, because I experience the other as mental support and protection, because wherever I go then, the attention would not go to just me, and I could use the other being to feel more comfortable
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to manipulate situations to be more comfortable
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel more comfortable with some beings because I have the sense of "protection"
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think I need to be protected and think I cannot protect myself
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being attacked or harmed - because I believe that I wont be able to protect myself and automaticly assuming I wont be effective or stable - and thus already creating that
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to only be able to unconditionally hug animals because I dont fear their rejection and I dont hear their judgement
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel distant from humans and close to animals
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel distant from humans because of my inability to talk to alot of them
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that I need something to say to everyone
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to doubt myself when I was with others and didnt knew what to say, and was wondering about if I could say something
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience a form of a "bad" feeling then because I think the other wont like me because I say nothing to them

Ive had that alot, that I just have nothing to say... and then I think they will think im shy or scared or in a bad mood or just a not-nice person. So these are sort of "personalities" that i want to show to others, to be someone that is:
no shy
no scare,
not in a bad mood,
and nice

To protect myself also, for the rejection or judgements.
I judge my own shyness bcause when I experience it I feel like shit, and I judge it as bad. I say to myself: how could you be so stupid to become shy! how could you be scared! damn thats so fucking stupid! havetn you learned anything
Like an inner-teacher, a mean teacher thou. The punishing mind, that has taken over the role of the parent or culture. And thus you create it in yourself , substituting it.
Yesterday this woman was talking to me at the station, I mean also other people, I was at this union demonstration thing. They were saying things, general stuff, one woman who was a teacher told something about that she had alot of disadvantage in one school, that they took alot of money and stuff... that she was frustrated because of that, and also she was scared once, when some students tried to harass her.
Inside my head I was thinking: am I supressing me now? If I wasnt would I say something? What can I say? I there something I can say here? Am I afraid to say something? Fear is not necessary, frustration only hurst yourself, you still earn money some people in the world have none etc... or sometimes just nothing except: am I supressing myself?
I sensed that if I would say something about the things I said above here, that it wouldnt be heared. And I have this tendensy to almost "preach", like I always want to say something directive, or just: not supressive of myself. And then I dont know, I notice both things. And even if people dont "get" what I say, I can still express it. if I express something in order for others to "get" it, then thats a fucked startig point. And need a "correct" way to say something, or a way so they will understand - is just limitation

I was looking for an old post on the forum and came across a chat conversation. I was scrolling it, scanning it with my eyes to see if the info I was looking for was there. Well... I suddenly saw that the conversation was about me. So I started reading it, and it was about the time I got banned.

I thought I was mostly over that but my reactions showed me that clearly I am not! It felt the same as the reactions I had before, with various people, all kinds of people, who did the same things : judging, gossiping, saying "bad" things etc... and the way I felt as a child being punished and blamed for what i did not do.

The reaction I first had was some kind of shock within me, not a real shock... just like, a deep sadness. Also some kind of upwelling of wanting to correct the mistakes I saw in the perception about me. Like I want to defend a certain image of myself towards others, like I want to prove to them: thats not true. Its the same as what I have done as a child when I was blamed for things I didnt do. And I found no way to show it to my parents or teachers, no matter what I said... and that was in some way frustrating. Its a system I still carry with me today. Like I place others judgement "above" myself, and in order for me to accept myself, I need others to accept me and stuff... so that fucked up. This mostly happens with people I feel in some way "close" to.
I felt sadness and after reading more and more, tears started to well up in my eyes. So I just went upstairs to my room and decided to write about this, because the reactions were strong. it reminded me also of a time when I knew this boy and he kept abusing me, well not physicly,, but with words, word games and stuff... I allowed it thou, because I continued the conversations with him, I continued the contact etc... same as what I have done in certain topics, to explain myself or make others see that their judgements are wrong. Like when i read someone said I came to the forum for the animal videos... thats just not true, nothing in my head was about animals when I joined it, I had no intentions also. But all kinds of things were being claimed, and also about that I watched crappy movies all the time... which I didnt do, I didnt watch alot of movies and certainly not more then anyone else there. So then i thought: if that was received by common sense, then their common sense is not common sense it all, because it fails, and it brought up believes, like my reason for joining the forum.
So I felt sad for all those judgements, like I am some kind of deliberate abuser. And I would never deliberatly abuse, fucking hell, I just do my best and sometimes I indeed fuck up.
But all this shows that the experience of myself, can be very altered by how people comment to me. Also because I had placed a trust in the people who did that, because of the "closeness" and because of the proces they are in , same as me. But I have to realise I have to stand alone, not "alone" as: im gonna do this on my own!owyeahhh!
thats just ego shit. But as: standing stable as me. but be self honest and see my own systems and push myself more. Not wait for others, or for experiences to push me.


What I did notice is, that I felt comfortable with beings that were also open towards me. at the farm it was mostly Jesper, David, AlexP. I also talked to them mostly. To the beings that reminded me more about my father for example, I was more hesitant, also not really knowing what to do. some kind of "fear" and awkwardness which I have expeirenced around my father. This is getting better because I am stopping those reactions, and have not reacted when hell broke loose at our house last week or so.

If I react towards anything that anyone sais, it means I have to defend something. Because I think I need those people for my survival, for feeling good, for being accepted. Because I give value to the judgements, and exist as personallity I have to defend. And even if its not true what they say, its still wanting to maintain the personality, the "truth" of what I have become.

So a question to ask is: what and who would I be if the ENTIRE world would disagree with me, if the entire world would judge me and excluse me etc...

This is where I need to build self-trust, but not as the system. through self-honesty and proving to myself that I can trust myself.

Because now I can be tossed around, if such things can still make me cry and be sad. Like when that happens, I begin to judge myself as a bad and worthless person. That I get a desire to mutilate myself, but I cannot harm my human body, I cant abuse it like that... same with food, when I crave food alot. i cant just keep eating junk because it strains and hurts my body. 1 time I did hurt myself but it stayed with this one time... and it was when my dad blamed me for something I didnt do.....
the same point as before, and it keeps comming back. until I stop reacting to it! goddamnit.


I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to prove to people who blame me of things I have not done or do not do deliberatly, that what they are saying is not true - because I place value into their opinion and believes as a "truth"
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place truth in opinions and believes
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to connect myself to certain things I have said and done, and being sad when people accuse me of things that I havent done or said
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to exist within the past, as what I have said and done in my life, connecting it to my current experience, and in this be sad when people react negative to me
i forgive myself that I havent allowed myself that the judgements of others are not personal, because they make the judgements based on their own perceptions and believes
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by what others think about me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want people to understand me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want people to understand me because then they cannot blame and judge me
i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame and judge myself and others in my life
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take words personally and starting breaking myself down, judging myself as worthless
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to base my self-worth on what others think and say about me
i forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to express myself without being sad and feel bad about others who are judging me, no matter who they are or what they do
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place certain beings as "knowing better", in a position where there opinion and believes matter more to me
I forgive myself that I have allowe dmyself to feel bad about darryl reacting bad to me because of what he heard others say about me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react different to people who I have heard things about
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to communicate unconditionally with people without previous thinking
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think about what others think when I communicate with them, and how they might judge me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel abit bad when I think about myself speaking "polite" to someone, when my brother is present, because my brother would start judging the way I speak, the polite-speaking as rediculous
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define speaking polite, as not "me"
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself as speaking dialect
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself as a failure, not worth to live, worthless, because of the judgements others have about me, or about how others perceive me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to punish myself, for being a "bad girl" according to my own judgements, based on the feelings and reactions I have
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to trust someone or something, without realising I have to trust myself in self honesty
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to need others to feel good
i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to feel good, and not realise this is self intrest
i forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have the tendency of not meating or speaking to people because I think they will have expectations about me and be dissapointed
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to live upto others expectations

Hmmm what i was thinking: I have made alot of videos and wrote about alot of things. i still have reactions at times such as fears, shyness, hesitation etc... So when I speak about these things it doesnt mean that I already have gotten over them. like in my videos, I share it to share it, and not to say that I got over them . You can already express realisations, when you are still dealing with them yourself. Althou this sometimes creates expectations in others that I am over those things. like some replies I got on youtube. Or people that want to meet me. Then im like: why the fuck do you want to meet me?
But now I have decided to say yes (except for reasons such as meeting up with abusers and stuff like that). But some meetings with others for example, like old class mates or others in process, can be tests to see your own reactions. To see where I hold back, and what thoughts come up. And as soon as others think something "good" of me, I feel more nervous, and often start to talk about the "faults" I have, and what I judge as "not good" about me etc... to try and lower their expectations. Like a protection mechanism

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to want to be judged good, so that I would have no reactions such as sadness or feeling bad
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to in this : support judgements within this existence, and the abusive mind
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to feel nervous when others have good expectations about me, because I assume I will let them down, because I am shy around people with expectations, because I want to live up to their thoughts about me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place value in the judgements and thoughts of others about me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be shy and nervous to meet people with high expectations about me because I believe and assume I cannot live up to the idea they have of me
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live within ideas
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to places ideas about "who I am"
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to limit myself and hesitate because of the fear of making mistakes and fucking up
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to THINK and consider that I will make mistakes, and because of that, create fear and hesitation within me

Rediculous of me, but thats getting better.

I woke up in the very early morning and saw my brother stand next to me with a giant watermelon and ants were crawling out of it, and he was going to place it on my bed. So I got out and stayed at the side, while starting to realise this is a dream hallucination. So I looked, saw nothing and went back to sleep because it was 3 am and I was still tired. Funny, because today I went to the shop and bought a watermelon lol. But I also bought some slices earlier this week and before.

Yesterday my computer totally crashed, hard drive busted, no back up, so I lost all files, images and videos. But it didnt botter me at all, and asked dad to look at it. So when I went to bed yesterday he was still buzy fixing it. This morning I came downstairs and saw it was fixed.

Our house has alot of mirrors, our entire fridge is one big mirror. I still notice I judge myself when I look in the mirror. I feel resistance writing about this because I have done this before alot, and I am like: it should be stopped by now! but damn sneaky thoughts pop up, so I just have to push myself to nto follow those thoughts in those moments, any thoughts on beauty, youth, appearance in general etc... thats also why I felt frustrated whenever I see mom looking in the mirror judging herself. Its because I see me in her, I see the behaviour, the sick behaviour of the abusive mind.

Later today I went with my brother to the city. He was going to the hairdresser and after that to the job recruitment office.
On our way back home we started to talk about something which brought up the point , that some beings dont mind existing as abusive minds.
At a point my brother said that he lives just to be comfortable and have a good life. I said that this was self-intrest and that it is seperation from whatever exists in this world, to put your own comfort on top.And that it support the mind and stuff...

Well he said that he didnt care, and will do it anyway no matter if its the mind or not. And that if he would be in a 'bad' position in this world, then that would be the case and even then he wouldnt change.

So some beings really dont want to realise and change, and will probably not in their life...
Because I wondered: how would he be able to stop?